Monday Musings Vol. 25 // Becoming a Mama
Let me just start by saying I almost deleted this post about 30 times. Then I thought, no, just edit it down and make it about the sweet stuff at the end. Then I said to myself, "Girl, just do it!" So full disclosure, I'm opening up in ways I haven't in the past, getting honest with my audience. I'm hoping that something I say might resonate with someone, somewhere who needs to hear it. This is all part of the new Capital Confessions… embracing who I am and all sides of me! Don’t worry though… I do have a few recipes up my sleeve to share soon! But for now… here we go in all my honesty… WARNING: This isn't rainbows and butterflies "I'm a mommy!" post.
Sitting here, the week of my sweet Emma girl's birthday. It's true what they say... "the days are long, but the years are short "... I honestly can't believe we've hit the 1-year mark. I have a one-year-old! As I think about the past year, some weeks have seemed like they happened in seconds and days that seemed to last a month. I've said it before, being a mom is everything I dreamed of and nothing I imagined. I'm so excited to see what the next year holds and to watch her grow more and more each day. As I look back, there are things I wish I would have known, things I "knew" but had no clue about and things I wish other moms would have told me.
The Hard Parts
I think there's an expectation around motherhood that you have to love or enjoy and embrace every moment. There's an expectation that this cone of bliss falls over you when you find out you're pregnant and the moment your child comes into the world. It seems like if you feel anything other than that, there's something wrong with you. For me, not everything has been this perfect Hallmark moment. Becoming a mom led to many emotions, intense feelings of anxiety and incompetence, and a sense of loss, for lack of a better word, of what was… All of which I thought "wasn't normal," which just compounded all my feelings and insecurities. Not to mention there was a global pandemic going on with tons of unknowns and lots of opinions…
Obviously, this wasn't an average pregnancy. First, important things were going on in the world… like MAJOR. Second, we made the difficult decision to leave our home in Richmond and move halfway across the country with no plan or idea of what was to come in our lives. During those early months, there was without a doubt a bunch of emotions going on, not to mention the hormones raging through my body. I remember sitting there crying one morning before Emma arrived. BAWLING because "we will never have another slow Sunday morning just the two of us again!" At that moment, I had this sudden urge not to "miss out" on any more moments together, just the two of us. I put so much pressure in my head about every breakfast, every dinner we shared, every moment had needed to have a meaning of some sort. I honestly made myself crazy for at least two weekends to make these "last moments together" meaningful. In the end, I put so much pressure on those moments that they ended up being lost moments in some ways. I wasn't myself at all, and all the emotions really impacted the joy of celebrating the next chapter of our lives. It's interesting now looking back at those times together. It makes me realize how good of a partner I have in life and how lucky I am to share the good and the bad with such a sweet, patient person.
As much as I'd like to say all that anxiety and emotions went away once Em arrived, it didn't really. The outside world was still a mess, and now our whole world was TOTALLY changed. Obviously, I was in awe and wonder over how perfect she was, how blessed we were to have her, and how amazing it felt to finally know her. However, there was still a part of me that just felt this overwhelming sense of emotions.
I started to think about a day early in my pregnancy when I was scrolling/shopping, and I came across a Wildbird post about the 4th trimester. At the time, I was still in pregnancy bliss/ignorance, so I just scrolled right past, thinking nothing of it. But, that post/the "4th-trimester" term stuck must have lodged itself deep in my head, in the back of my memory. About a month after Em was born, I went back to that post and the series they did around postpartum and the 4th trimester. I can't tell you how much those simple Instagram posts helped me come to terms with what I was feeling and how much it helped me realize I wasn't alone. My feelings were "normal" or at least valid, and I needed to listen to my body/emotions. I know there's been a better push recently to talk and be open about the 4th trimester, as it's called. However, I still think you have to find those sources to join that conversation, and a lot of times, I don't think that happens until after you're in that stage. So, if you're reading this and are a new mother… please look for those resources, talk to someone, message me! Motherhood can be the loneliest community you could ever imagine… don't feel alone because you're not alone!
The good news is, I did finally find my groove, and now I'm feeling much more like myself, and honestly stronger than before because of the last few months. Sure, some days are more complicated than others or days when the sky feels a little less blue, but those days I look in my sweet girl's face and remember it's all for her!
What I’ve learned
Twelve months into this mom thing, and there are days I still feel like I don't get it, but I've gotten in the swing of things for the most part. Motherhood has really brought about a lot of positive change to my life.
I've never felt this kind of love before now. No one can look at you the way your baby does and give you this sudden rush of fulfillment and pure accomplishment. She is our whole world, and nothing else matters. The three amigos forever!
Total chill now exists… okay, not really, I'm still working on it, but in all honesty, I do feel like I've relaxed a lot over the past 12 months. I definitely don't tornado in \ into a muddled mess of frustration and rage. Yes, I used to be a lot more high-strung than I am today… For some reason, I have a sense of peace over things like I've never had before. Something that used to throw me for a loop seems unimportant compared to making sure our family is content and healthy.
I'm enough. I have insecurities, just like everyone. I always will. Still, I'm more aware of my insecurities, and I'm working on getting over them. I catch myself whenever I'm thinking negatively and try to refocus that energy into something actionable. This one is really the hardest/one I have to keep working on… I want to raise a little girl that has all the confidence and pride in herself for who God made her be, and the only way to do that is to be an example to her!
Joy is something you choose, and you can choose joy regardless of the situation. Joy can come even when happiness seems nowhere in sight. There's been a lot of things that have tried to take our joy this year, but we keep on fighting and finding the little things every day to keep us going!
Life doesn't have to be so complicated. I've lived as a pseudo perfectionist most of my life. Becoming a mother has taught me that not every moment is going to be a model moment. Sometimes your little girl isn't going to wear the bow, and sometimes she will play and dirt and make a mess of her precious outfit. Honestly, life is messy, and dawn soap really does wonders to save your favorite outfits! This really goes hand and hand with #2. Relax and enjoy the life you're living right now!
Things don't go according to plan, and sometimes it's better that way. I'm a list maker, a check box checker, and I like to plan everything as much as I can, and the past 12 months have taught me to throw the plans out the window! Many things ended up being blessings in disguise when they went differently than I planned, from her birth to feedings and our living situation. Nothing was really how I intended it to be, and it all ended up better than I ever could have imagined. Maybe it didn't make sense at the time, but looking back, there was really a reason for things to turn out like they did.
So with the rain comes a rainbow, right? No pressure, no diamonds! Future will see 2020 and 2021 as terrible years, filled with horrible things day after day. I'll look back and think… "those were the good old days!" Honestly, I don't know what we would have done without our sweet girl these past 12 months. God knew she was everything we needed when we needed it most. She's been the light of our life, the distraction from anything and everything in the world, and brought so much laughter to our lives. Sure, some of that laughter is because we're so tired from lack of sleep. We laugh to keep from crying, really, but I will say I haven't had time to get too distracted by the world lately, and for that, I'm grateful!
I have learned so much about myself this last year. Would I want to do it again? Eh… probably not. At least not without knowing what I know today! I can honestly say Emma isn't the only one who grew this year. My growth may not be as evident, but it's been tremendous!
